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God, where did we get all of these egg shells? Totally irresponsible of us to buy all of these egg shells and place them directly underneath every step between the oven and the dinner table on Thanksgiving day.

 

Oh, wait, we didn't buy these egg shells. No one would do that. No, these egg shells were just lopped on the floor ten seconds ago, when a stray uncle you see once a year dropped a racist neologism we thought was abandoned altogether sometime during the Eisenhower administration, like a lost sock on a highway. He has now opened the proverbial egg shell floodgate. They're everywhere now. Your grandfather is now simultaneously carving a spiral ham and hitting on your brother's "exotic" girlfriend. (She's from Michigan.) Your cousin is telling everyone how steroids aren't that bad and, here, feel this, he can prove it. Your sister -- the one you thought to be the calm, reasonable center -- has now ducked away to have a fun, record-quick cry in the bathroom.

This didn't have to happen. There are sentences and words one can avoid to prevent a family's fast slide into an awkward and quiet dessert. These are Thanksgiving dinner trigger words. Some of these change every year. Some are timeless. You should say none of them. The nation is counting on you to keep this peaceful Thanksgiving dinner charade alive.

Edward Snowden - Is he a traitor? Is he a hero? Is that the carving knife in your jugular? Yes.

"What is your girlfriend? Indian? Something like that?" - Maybe. Now you'll never know.

The Second Amendment - No faster way of starting a gunfight than bringing up gunfights.

Referencing a desire to eat a food not at the table - This is not the time to let people know you haven't had a Spree in three years.

Bullying - "In my day, nuns used to hit me in the head with a hammer just for being alive!" This is a tremendous sentence, but it's a gateway to older folks inquiring why you're not pummeling your kid when he asks to put on Spongebob during the football game.

9/11 - Are you fking nuts?

"Hey (girlfriend of relative), why aren't you comfortable?" - Because she is trapped in a stranger's house with 50 misshapen clones of her boyfriend for several hours, and you're asking this question.

The Washington Redskins - There are three teams in the NFC East this Thanksgiving, and only two if you've seen the Giants play recently.

Obamacare - Who knew your uncle would be telling you how websites worked at Thanksgiving this year? Quite a turn from last year, when he thought Tumblr was a gymnastics magazine.

The inevitable GoDaddy.com commercial - It is acceptable to physically leave your home for the duration of this commercial.

Moving to Canada for political reasons - If you're on the fence, you probably should move to Canada. Their public radio stations are bananas, and you could wind up marrying Feist. (Loud growling noise.) Do not bring it up today. A good Canadian keeps a secret.

Steroids - This will invariably end in a tiny balls joke and then those boiled onions will just sit there on the table untouched until everyone leaves.

Richie Incognito - I'm not sure you're in line for a difference of opinion on this guy, but I thought we all took a blood oath, as Americans, to pretend like this man no longer exists.

"Is that all you're going to eat?" - Yes, it's all she's going to eat.

Asking to put on something other than football in the second half - Just pretend like you care about how the Lions are doing like the rest of America has done with grace for the last half-century.

"Millennials" - No one wants to hear about how lazy you think they are because you can't figure out what a Bitcoin is.

Benghazi - "I'm just asking the question because no one has a straight answer!" Neither does anybody else at this table.

George Zimmerman - He's a certified scumbag, but there's always one guy who's not convinced.

Customer service phone calls - Thanks a lot for this definitely-going-to-happen-now conversation, Kindle Fire ads.

The Knockout Game - Doesn't exist. Carry on.

Eyeball jewelry - Does exist, but we'd like to eat. Best not to bring it up.

The ending of Breaking Bad - Too soon, still. Don't know when it won't be, but not now.

Divorce - Hilarious joke about your sister's crippling separation after 30 years of marriage, Uncle Jerry! We're now all allowed to hit you with a shovel.

Repulsion by weird food on the table - Just pass on the meat Jello. Everybody but the person who made it knows how weird it is.

Read more: Esquire's Official List of Thanksgiving Dinner Trigger Words - Esquire
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